Wednesday, June 11, 2008

change and brotherhood

it would often be easier not to be honest some of the time. i'm making an effort to make the more difficult choice during these instances. this happens to be one of them. lately I find myself jealous of my brother. I feel very busy much of the time, and except for rare moments, aren't typically clear headed enough to enjoy a proper perspective of my situation. i seem to fall into the habit of lamenting my lost life - the dirtbag, every moment another adventure lifestyle that was, and was going to always be, my path. it's not my path any more and i guess i haven't made my peace with that. it's a complicated situation and my understanding and awareness of it shifts subtly day to day, depending on the amount of time i have to contemplate it and the overall stress i feel. typically i'm the most depressed/jealous right after speaking with jason, hearing about all his latest adventures, which will immediatly flow into the next ones with usually less than a handful of hours as down time (or so it seems). i feel a sometimes profound loss of connection with him that i figure is at the root of it all. I find value in what he's doing - i find it meaningful and rewarding and inspiring. I can relate to it - identify with it, and in doing so, to some extent with him. but for me, adventure and racing, while still of tremendous importance, are such a small sliver of my life. most of my world revolves around things that, for no fault of his own, jason simply doesn't and can't appreciate or identify with. I guess i just had held this naive, unconscious assumption that the way things were between us would never change. but they have, and i think much of my anxiety regarding my relationship with him over the past several years has been tied to dealing with this change. we don't know each other as well as we used to and it may be a while until we do, and i'm going to try and accept this (no easy task). in the mean-time i guess i'll just enjoy what connection we do have and be optimistic that while the bonds of my twin-hood have grown weaker over time, they may yet grow stronger again.

1 comment:

  1. I was blown away to find you on the web- and with such a personal blog. If you are interested in finding me on the web, I went to facebook and sent you a message. Debra Kay